I just recently re-read Elizabeth Gilbert’s memoir, EAT, PRAY, LOVE and I was astonished, time and time again, how applicable many of her insights are to motherhood. I found this amazing because the very thing that set her off on her devastating quest for fulfillment was her fear of having children. This bucking of expectation, and the subsequent self-loathing and doubt, led her on a journey to figure out who she really was and what she really wanted — and needed — from life.

When women embark on motherhood, it’s all too easy to immerse ourselves utterly in this role. Being a mother is satisfying, time-consumming and incredibly important. What could be more noble than to give ourselves over to the job 100%?Here’s the rub, though. As women and as mothers, we may wish to be altruistic, serenely patient and giving all the time, but frankly it’s not really possible. We can spend a few years working ourselves so very hard that we’re in a blur most of the day, but eventually we just hit a wall. Sometimes it takes just a few years. Sometimes it doesn’t hit until the kids are out of the house. But show me a woman out there who does not one day turn to herself in the mirror and say, Huh? Who the hell are you?

Mothers have an almost visceral reaction to the word selfish. But what I liked about Gilbert’s book was her willingness to call a spade a spade. She struggled with the idea of selfishness, and came to the conclusion that that there are two kinds: one that hurts others and one that is all about knowing and caring for yourself (not at someone else’s expense). Of course we should not be so selfish that we hurt others, especially not our children.

But think about this for a minute: when our kids become adults, they will face a world that is largely indifferent to them. People will tell them to shut up, to get out of the way, that they did a bad job or have a bad idea. People will not give them undivided attention, never let them fail, and catch them when they stumble. Kids have to learn that the world does not revolve around them.

Having a mother who is strong and independent enough to insist on the right to be a little selfish every now and then, to have her own desires and needs, ends up being good for kids in the long run. After a lot af agonized soul-searching, Gilbert comes to this conclusion in her own way: it is better for the universe when she can find a way to be true to herself.

Living a lie is not good for anyone.

No mom wants to whine. No mom wants to be selfish. Every mom wants to do a good job.

Sometimes skeptics think mothers who worry about their own needs are selfish, or just plain lazy. Why have kids in the first place if you can’t take care of them with good cheer and tons of positive energy?

Well, we agree!  We don’t like whining, and neither do any of the hundreds of women we talked too. But is there a difference between being whiny and asking yourself healthy and necessary questions?

Questions like:

• is there something in my life about which I feel really passionate?
• have I laughed recently?
• do I feel connected to the world around me–events and people?
• am I often anxious and stressed out?
• can I enjoy quiet time or do I always need to be busy?
• do I feel fulfilled?
• am I too impatient with my loved ones?
• is there a way I can reconnect with who I was before I started my family?

Our book has printed–it was a very long but easy labor, and we now have a gorgeous baby book in our hands (actually, thousands and thousands of them… talk about multiple births!). No learning to walk for this little beast, though, she’s off to a running start.

Now that we have a beautiful new website (thanks Jen, Cruz and Jim, geniuses, all) we’ll be pounding the proverbial pavement again. Or, in plain English, the internet. So, stay tuned.

We couldn’t believe our ears and eyes when we saw Elizabeth Gilbert on Oprah recently.  She was talking about her mega-bestseller, Eat Pray Love. It’s about a year she spent trying to find herself. It takes the readers on her terrifying (and at times funny) journey from devastating depression and self doubt, to serenity and love.

Lots of people loved the book, but many find her selfish. Who wouldn’t want to take a whole year traveling the world so they can get back on track? Busy moms certainly don’t have a year. They barely have five minutes.

What we found so thrilling, though, was that ultimately she was exploring the same ideas we explore in Mothers Need Time-Outs, Too: how we can live full and complex lives that also feel authentic and balanced. Sure, her particular situation was different than that of most moms we talked to when doing our research, but the core of her findings was the same: not taking our needs seriously can be destructive.

First, busy moms like us need to give up on being perfectionists, and second, we need to take the time to do the hard work and find out what makes us tick.

We argue that the best way to find real happiness for you and your family is by first focusing on your own needs. Take time-outs for yourself, you’re worth it!