Oprah fell off the wagon.

Did she hurt herself? Na–she has 40lbs of extra cushioning to soften the blow.

I think Oprah’s cool. She’s a successful, intelligent, thoughtful woman and whenever I watch her show, I’m almost always moved in some way. Moved to improve myself, to think about something differently, to feel grateful instead of whining, or to pat myself on the back for already doing what she’s suggesting.

Back to the wagon and the weight, though. I really wish Oprah could be happy with her weight. Why? Because her constant weight struggle in spite of ALL her other successes in life makes me feel like a loser. If she was OK with being a little chubby, I could be OK with my extra pounds.

So she’s really just reminding me of something I already know but don’t want to face: this battle to find a comfortable weight can be a real drag for many of us. A drag that doesn’t go away.  A drag that actually just gets worse. A drag that we have to face day in day out, triumph over, and then fail at, only to start all over again.

Why are women so very obsessed with the scale? Aren’t we all emancipated enough to not give a shit? Or does giving a shit just mean we have self respect? Isn’t it a waste of time and energy to worry over 5 or 10 lbs? But if we let those pounds mount up, don’t we dig ourselves into a deeper and deeper hole?

I don’t weigh myself anymore. I can tell by my pants that I gained weight over Christmas. I don’t even want to SEE the numbers on the scale. So instead, I’m focusing on being healthy. Yes, the old New Year’s resolutions are back. Sadly, these resolutions are pretty challenging for me…

• Up the ante at the gym: I took my first spin class this morning. Wow. I was sweating like a… well, like a pig in lycra.
• No more booze during the week. I want to wake up every morning with a clear head.
• Go to all my doctor’s appointments, even the dentist.
• Watch those old yoga DVD’s again and give my brain some rest.

That’s it. Notice I haven’t said anything about losing weight. I’m going to focus on those four simple gifts to myself and my health, and see where it takes me.

Wine each night.

Second helpings of food.

Dessert.

More dessert.

Ornaments and pine needles and ribbons and dirt from outside.

Shoes and boots and puddles.

Ice dams, pouring water into our house through the window frames.

Books, scattered on every surface.

Scraps of wrapping paper and sharp shreds of hard plastic. Cardboard boxes and fluttering tape caught in corners.

Stocking stuffers piled up on the sofa.

Rooms bursting at the seams with outgrown clothes and new clothes, old beloved stuffed animals and neglected ones, new gadgets and toys in vogue for a few weeks.

Oh, it’ was nice to get a break, but I can’t wait for the Holidays to be over!

For the past few years, my husband has slowly but surely been taking over the cooking in our household. This has been a godsend for me. I used to love cooking, but when the kids were small, the endless noodles and chicken nuggets wore me out. We used to have dinner parties a lot and I loved preparing interesting food, yet even that fell by the wayside as cooking lost its charm for me.

But…

Every time we sit down for a meal, Kevin goes on and on and on about how great and fresh and cheap his home-cooked food is. And yes, he’s right, it is great and fresh and cheap, but this constant self praise ends up making me feel bad.

Was my cooking really so poor, unfresh and expensive for the past 15 years? Didn’t I slave away when the kids were babes trying to get them to eat their vegetables–broiling and sauteeing and steaming desperately?

Thinking about this made me realize once again how invisible much of the daily work we do for our kids is. We try so hard to be good mothers and so rarely get praised for our efforts.

So what can we do about this? What do I do? Thank God I have my writing and my career, which makes me feel invested and passionate and gives me a sense of self. I don’t take the implied criticism too hard as a result.

I also remind myself to really be grateful for the help I get. Not everyone’s husband is making chicken parmigiana or pulled pork after a long days work! I can take a little excess in the self congratulation department if it means I don’t have to think up yet another meal.

Who out there can believe the holidays are literally AROUND THE CORNER? Why is it every year around this time days just speed up? November comes, and then BANG, Christmas is here.

So what do we do this year now that all we’re hearing is bad news about the economy? I mean, really? It’s so depressing I have to turn the radio off when I’m driving–I just can’t take more disaster. The kids are geared up for presents, and I’m feeling like Scrooge. How can we make this period fun without breaking the bank?

Here are the top three things I’m doing to try to keep a grip on life right now, while still having a good time with my family (and getting my daily work done!):

1. Making Gifts: This requires planning and can be stressful, but it teaches them so much. Money doesn’t buy everything; something made with love is worth more than something bought and then quickly discarded; effort is valuable and appreciated. Some ideas I have tried that have been really successful and fun are:

• Homemade books: this can be really fun for the children, and a great keepsake for grandparents and godparents. The kids type up a story–sometimes even the older ones need a little direction here–and insert clip art or pictures from the internet. They make a nice cover and staple it all together. Simple, but cute.
• Cooking: what child doesn’t like baking? Banana bread, cookies, cakes. It’s a nice way to spend time with the children, too. Usually when they cook I get stressed because the kitchen is such a mess. But when we do it for the holidays, I relax into it and have fun.
• Notecards: This requires a great piece of artwork and the ability to scan or photocopy, and some thick paper. Scan or copy your child’s picture onto the bottom of half a piece of paper. When you fold the paper in half, presto: a card! Give it along with some envelopes, wrapped in a simple ribbon.
• Calendars: print out all the months from your Outlook calendar on the computer. You can add special dates if you want. Then have the children, even older ones, draw a picture for each month which you mount on a sturdy piece of paper and attach to the calendar. Here a hole-punch is helpful, and some thin ribbon to bind the two sides together.

2. Celebrate early, often and in small ways. Really, celebrating the holidays is all about the rituals. This year, we’ve been careful to do all those family rituals–we celebrate advent every Sunday in December and St. Nikolaus on Dec 6, for example. This way the kids are in the holiday spirit, but it’s not all about the drama of the big gifts.

3. Do Potluck: We always have a lot of people at our house over the holiday period and we love it that way. But all the cooking and providing of food is pretty manic. This year we’re doing potluck and bring a bottle, and we think people will actually like it. It makes them feel more part of the celebration, and it really takes the pressure off us.

…in scary times:

1. the health of my family
2. that I love my husband so much, and am in love with him too
3. my middle daughter, who works so hard and is so empathetic and charming
4. my youngest daughter, who is magnetic and adorable and a joy
5. my son, who–although he’s a teen with serious motivation issues–remains sweet and quirky, handsome and hilarious
6. my comfortable, eclectic house, with its bright orange, yellow, turquoise and red rooms and its big windows
7. my work, which fills me with joy each day
8. my friends, both close and far away, with whom I can be myself
9. my co-author, who is dedicated and talented and driven
10. my agent, who I trust and respect, and is a fantastic businesswoman
11. that my husband has a job and is good at it
12. that my parents are healthy and independent
13. that my brother found an incredible woman with whom to share his life
14. fuji apples
15. vodka
16. cotton sheets
17. movies
18. travel (not as much as I’d like, but still…)
19. The New York Times
20. Editors who love good books

This morning it happened again. My head started spinning and while completing the ten thousand tasks I had to complete before 10 am I started forgetting everything.

When you’re running around like an absolute madwoman, it doesn’t help to be forgetting what you just did (or didn’t do) two seconds ago. It’s as though my brain is sending me a signal, loud and clear: DANGER AHEAD… SLOW DOWN or you will EXPLODE.

So, it’s Friday afternoon. I have work to do, but it will have to wait. I have to do carpool, buy beer for a parent dinner tonight, pick up kids at playdate and… RELAX. Can I fit in time for a run in the sun? No, but when I’m back from my errands I might be able to sneak in a quick walk in the darkness of an early winter dusk. Emphasis on might.

This morning, after kids’ drop offs, I climbed right back into bed, fully clothed, pulled the covers up to my chin and watched The Today Show.

Nice, huh? Think I do this sort of thing every day?

This morning I woke up at 5am and couldn’t get back to sleep.  I must have dozed off because I jumped out of bed in a panic at 6:36 to get the three kids up and out by 7:15. This includes having one of them take a shower, dressing another and feeding them all breakfast. Oh and not allowing the girls to go to school with rats nests in their hair. Forget about brushing teeth, we rarely manage that on Tuesday mornings.

Why the mad rush? On Tuesdays I have to drop the youngest at my sister-in-law’s, drop the middle one at her school and then drive my son’s carpool to his school about 25 minutes away. The whole ordeal takes 1 1/2 hours from start to finish. Then I had a 9am business meeting in a neighboring town.

So, I was frazzled, hungry and had not had time for coffee. (I did brush my teeth, though.)

But lo and behold, I was suddenly blessed with an unexpected gift: another carpool parent offered to drive the kids… it’s on his way… he doesn’t mind… it took me a nanosecond to say, sure, take ‘em!

On my way out of the parking lot, unable to believe my luck, I weighed my options:

1. Go to my sister-in-law’s and hang out for half an hour with her, then take Svenja to the bus stop (Meave usually does that for me on Tuesdays–thank God for family)
2. Go home and do some work before leaving for my meeting. I could pitch a few more people for this book, work a bit more on my other book, write some e-mails, blog… I could get ahead (so to speak)
3. Finish the laundry. I have two loads–one ready to fold and one ready to dry. Oh, and another pile gathered already, since YESTERDAY, to throw in the wash.
4. Make a pot of coffee and sit in the kitchen savoring the Arts section of the New York Times.

And then I thought: what the hell, how long has it been since I’ve lounged in bed watching the Today Show?! Not since GRADUATE SCHOOL 15 years ago.

On my way to my 9 am meeting, that old song came on, “Taking Care of Business.” I turned the volume up and sang along. The unexpected gift of just a little time to indulge myself suddenly made the day seem full of potential.

Well, I wasn’t so much bitchy yesterday as horribly morose. I know in my gut that it was because of lack of exercise, but I could not summon up the energy or will to get moving!

So, today I took action.

1. Made an appointment with my doctor to check my thyroid levels and to see whether I have a sinus infection. When I’m down, there’s almost always a physical component involved. Waking up every morning for one month feeling rotten is not “normal.”
2.  Went to Boot Camp at the gym. It was exhausting, but once I was there, I just did it. Felt even more exhausted afterward, but at least I got some endorphins going for my many hours at the computer today!
3. Spent some alone-time with my ten-year old. With her creamy little cheeks, her long crazy hair and her funny observations on the world, she always brings me back to the moment in a way feels great.
4. Decided to clean out the stained glass “studio” this weekend so when the weather starts getting unbearable, I can go down there and start breaking some glass and making art. The trick for me is to find things to do that keep me occupied but don’t make me even more frantic than I already am.
5. Started a food diary. Oh how I hate food diaries: hate hate hate them. But, truth is, when you’re down in the dumps for no good reason, Cheesy Cheetos appear to be the answer… but if you write it down, your logical mind wins out over your crazy, illogical, stuff-your-face-with-junk mind.

Now for a glass of red wine and making dinner for the kids. Early to bed and I will crack open a new book. I am taking some of my own medicine!

Sometimes…

You feel down even when the sky is blue

The day seems long and bedtime is too far away

Your friends seem distant

The kids don’t need you, or if they do, it’s to wash their socks

Work feels unrewarding

You try to pull yourself up by the bootstraps with images of hungry children, homeless families, ill-fated people… and it only makes you feel guily for not being grateful

… sometimes, telling yourself you are lucky and should be happy isn’t enough.

So you sit and read, do chores, work diligently on projects, eat and drink way too much and you wait for the feeling to pass. You know it will pass because the feeling is unsubstantiated. There’s no reason for unease or dissatisfaction, yet it swamps you. Sleep is interrupted. You stop exercising. Everything seems like too much effort.

What do you do when life feels like that?

EXERCISE! It’s a physical thing: you need those endorphins. Call a buddy, go for a walk, force yourself to go out running. Do 15 minutes at the gym, and tomorrow go for 30.

As for me, tomorrow… tomorrow I am getting back on the bandwagon, no excuses.  Maybe I need to take up Zumba, or kick boxing…!

I’m doing research for a new book and spent part of the day reading Deepak Chopra’s “The Seven Spiritual Lessons for Parents.” It’s such an encouraging and thoughtful book. I love his writing — so clear and simple — and I love his ideas — so far-reaching and generous.

He writes about some of the principles that he used, unknowingly, while raising his own children. They make such sense, yet are not instinctive for us Westerners. One of the principles is to understand that, ultimately, you cannot control your kids. By that he means that children are their own separate selves, and we are privileged to be their caretakers and to have such great influence over them, but we cannot make them into who we want them to be, we can only help them be their best selves.*

In many ways that’s the hardest lesson of all for parents: learning to let go.

We feel such a great responsibility towards these little beings in our care, and we can barely help trying to mold them to fit our own dreams. The real trick is how to help and encourage them, how to instill our own core values, and yet also let them be themselves and live their own dreams to fruition.

It’s all an exercise in being humble and grateful, and doing the best you can!

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*By the way, he does not mean we can’t guide or discipline them!