School Blues
We made it home from FL to MA in one piece. 21 hours, four pit stops, five movies, and a lot of down time! (I read a whole book!) It was actually kind of relaxing.
But now that we’re home and my son is back in school, I feel miserable. Why? Because he’s miserable! It’s amazing how our own happiness and sense of peace is tied in with how our kids feel. It’s so hard to feel great when you’re kids are having a tough time. As a mother, you feel responsible for their happiness: if you can see a smile on their faces, you feel good… and when they’re down you feel you should be able to do something to make them feel up again.
Well, truth is, sometimes you just can’t. Especially as children get older (mine is a teenager now), you just don’t have that kind of control over their spirits. You have to learn to let go of that sense of responsibility and let them work through their feelings. I think often of a really helpful book I read called “How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk.” It taught me how to respond: to nod, to repeat words my kid is saying, to validate their feelings and to SHUT UP ABOUT OFFERING SOLUTIONS.
“Sorry you’re bummed out about school starting up,” instead of “Look, everyone has to work! Can’t you just buck up?”
“I bet you wish you could be on holiday forever,” instead of, “But you had a great holiday… be happy for your good fortune!”
“It’s tough getting back to work, isn’t it?” instead of “Try to get over it. Life isn’t one long party!”
Moms don’t always have solutions to every problem. I’m trying hard to shake off that sense of melancholy I developed by switching my mind to something else. And then, when my son gets home from school tonight, I’ll have a nice dinner for him and some relaxed family time.
He’ll still have to brace himself for homework, but, you know what? That’s life!
Tags: empathize, melancholy, responsibility, School
March 25th, 2008 at 9:08 am
I am confused why you feel your child needs to feel happy all the time. I think if you try to “make” them happy, you are creating a false reality for them. They will never ALWAYS be happy. It’s impossible!! I think the best thing to do in this situation is to help them realize that they need to create their own happiness and search within to find what makes them happy. They can’t rely on you forever to creat this.
March 26th, 2008 at 6:22 am
Hi Jennifer–
You hit the nail on the head!
There is no way you can make your kids happy all the time–as you say, that’s neither realistic nor is it good for them. Life can be hard and kids need to grow up with coping skills.
What I felt that day was not so much a sense of responsibility as a sense of empathy. It’s one thing if your child is miserable because he/she can’t get something they want, it’s another thing if it’s because they’re having trouble with friends or in school. While moms aren’t responsible for creating harmony all the time, they sure feel down when their kids are having a tough time emotionally. I know I do.
One interesting thing: in all our focus groups, almost every single woman we spoke with felt guilt about their mothering. It may be foolish or a waste of time to feel that way, but it seems to have become an inevitable part of modern motherhood.