Savoring the Words
This morning I sat down to work on When Mom’s Happy, Everyone’s Happy. I often lose sight of time when I’m working on this book, but after hour upon hour of staring at the screen I need a break. I was longing for an US magazine, or People, or something utterly decadent, but I picked up Francine Prose’s Reading Like a Writer instead. I bought it to use in my fiction writing workshops, but I’d never cracked it open.
She writes about how students these days no longer linger over literature, analyzing each word, figuring out how the magic happens (or doesn’t). They read and criticize, but they barely stop to really savor the words. That got me thinking… I read about an independent bookstore in a University Town finally closing down after years of barely hanging in there. The owner commented that in the old days, people would come in and spend a whole afternoon lingering over the stacks of books. They’d browse and read and make a pile. They’d pick and choose; they’d put a book back, take another one out. A whole afternoon!
How many people these days linger and savor things? How many MOTHERS linger and savor? When I’m relaxed, and I can really listen to my kids when they’re reading to me, or sharing, or when we’re doing some joint activity, then I actually love it. When I’m distracted and rushed, I don’t love it. What should be joyful becomes an irritation.
So what does it take to linger and savor once you’re a mother? Endless time?
Maybe. But I think if you had endless time, it wouldn’t necessarily solve the problem. It doesn’t so much take TIME — which is definitely in short supply for most moms, working or not — as the mental willingness to linger. Acceptance of exactly where you are at that very moment, not where you will be next.
Buddhists call it living in the now. And while it sounds so new-age-ish, wouldn’t it be great to tap into that peaceful mode, and every now and then — when you and your kids most need it — just savor the moment?
Katrin
Tags: BUddha
January 11th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
What about moms who have to work in an office day in day out? When someone else is setting your agenda and you have no real choice over how you spend your time? How can you afford the time to be peaceful at home when there just aren’t enough minutes in the day?
January 12th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
I don’t think it’s about who sets your agenda or how much free time you have. It’s about deciding to take more time on one thing, and deciding NOT to do another thing. Priorities.
January 14th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
This is such an important and confusing topic. My kids are five and six years old, and even though they’re in school and I have a little free time, I’m so horribly bored! I don’t even know what to do with myself! Two years ago I dreamed of this moment, when I’d have some freedom. But now it’s here and I am so bored.
January 15th, 2007 at 8:51 am
It’s kind of hard to imagine being bored. We are so busy how is there time to be bored? But maybe what you mean is that you are running around doing things for other people all the time, you never do something for yourself. I think that’s what these guys are talking about with their book. For me, I learned early that if I didn’t so something for myself I wouldn’t be able to hold it together. My husband works in Sales and is on the road all the time. When Michael was about two years old I almost decided to get a divorce. I felt like I was doing everything and I was sort of losing my mind. We went to counseling and our doctor really helped me understand that the problem wasn’t my husband or the baby, but me. I was letting them kind of walk all over me (she didn’t say it that way, but that’s sure what I felt)and I wasn’t standing up for myself. She even got to me see that my husband had thought he was making me happy by letting me take the reins like that. I was a control freak. Once I stopped being mad at him for not helping and started deciding what I wanted, everything got better. We’re going on ten years now. Not everything is perfect, but it sure is better!
January 15th, 2007 at 1:37 pm
I never thought of it that way. I always felt so guilty about the fact that I was bored. Maybe I just need to find a way to not be bored, and not blame other people because of how I feel.
January 15th, 2007 at 4:17 pm
I am from France. My friends tease me that I do everything 1/2 as fast as they do. I tell them this is because I am living in the moment. I do not like to rush. I plan my time so I do not need to hurry, even with four children. It is the way I like it.
January 15th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Let’s get real here. If you work in an office like I do, you don’t have time to do things “slow” !! You have to keep up the pace, and when you get home you are so beat, you can’t pay much attention to your kids. It’s only when I get to go on vacation that I can live like I want to.
January 16th, 2007 at 6:29 am
I read that article about the bookstore! I thought the same thing, that times have changed so much and we’re always in such a rush. And while I think this is just the way the world is, I do look at other countries and wonder how they have managed to hold on to a slower pace, where things like words, siestas, walks, dinners can be “savored.” I also know that in our roles as mothers, this constant feeling of rushing, or being late or having to do more, robs us of the delight we could feel in just living. Instead, we are always behind, and we always feel like we are behind, with that sense of having done something poorly.
January 16th, 2007 at 9:04 am
I love the voices in this website. I think it’s helpful to remember things like breathing and sovoring. They’ll be asking for the car keys before we know it.
January 16th, 2007 at 9:07 am
Your comments — as varied as they are — all hit the nail smack on the head. It’s actually pretty simple, in my eyes: as moms, we’re busy, we’re trying hard, and we’re often left with the feeling that our lives are totally out of our own control. Our bosses, children, partners, houses, schools call the shots. How many times a day do we do something we want to, the way we want to?
After a few years of running around feeling harrassed and unsuccessful, I started to say no to people. At first I felt pretty guilty about it. But it just took some getting used to — now I say no and feel great about it! I want to set my own priorities. I want to decide for myself the way I want to mother. It’s not easy, especially when you worry that other mothers are overtaking you somehow (doing more and doing it better), but I think it’s good to let go of that competitiveness and just be comfortable with your own way.
January 16th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
I would love more time in the day to be by myself, just reading or doing something artistic. There is always a tiny bit of guilt that something else is not getting done. I miss being younger and not even being aware of this kind of guilt.
January 16th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
Katrin, I love when you referred to,”living in the now”. Zen…only in the moment. I believe that’s how everyone can appreciate life best…in the actual moment. I think everyone’s always in process making progress.
January 17th, 2007 at 6:11 am
I haven’t read a book in six years, not even when I go on vacation. The idea of lingering over pleasurable shopping makes me want to cry — it seems such an impossibility.
January 17th, 2007 at 10:47 am
I tend to take time at night, after the kids are asleep to do something that I enjoy. Many times I leave the dishes and say “the hell with it” I’m taking time for me. This time can range from actually heading out of the house to hit a bookstore, or watching TV, or reading a good book, catching up with an old friend. When I give myself this time I go sleep peacefully feeling like I’ve had some time for me.
January 25th, 2007 at 10:53 am
Moms! Remember when one of the things that made you happy, that you made time for, was Dad? Oops! I mean….my lover, friend, riotous partner, travel companion, fellow dreamer? In my life, when I became a mother, and worked sixty plus hours per week, making time for that relationship was the first thing to go! We’ve made it through twenty-two years together now, but man oh man, do I wish I had been more selfish about my need to remain connected, in love with, involved with and completely available to this part of who I was before becoming a mother! Funny thing is, with divorce rates soaring, remaining the woman in the fullest sense of the word within that partnership serves the children best, too.
January 29th, 2007 at 11:19 am
I’m always counseling friends to pay themselves first before paying everyone else (i.e., get to the gym!!! Buy and wear those skinny jeans and tight t-shirts!!). Sounds “selfish” but the point is exactly as you’ve stated…or more precisely, as my mother-in-law articulated when I was a depressed, breast-pumping working mom, feeling guilty, exhausted, and inept at everything I attempted….”When Mom’s unhappy, no one’s happy.” So true. Kids pick right up on that stuff. It’s also true that when you love yourself, it’s really easy to love everyone else!
Get the message out!
January 30th, 2007 at 10:36 am
I think the bottom line is that an overly child-centered life can be toxic to all involved. Especially the kids, who need to know that the world doesn’t revolve around their needs. From civic involvement, to being the nurturer in a relationship, to becoming self-reliant adults, kids learn from their care-takers first that it’s not all about them, nor should it be. Even newborns are competent little creatures!