More time with our kids?
“Mothers are working harder than ever, but their principal place of business is still the home. For all of the ink spilled about the high-tech economy, the majority of American mothers are still primarily engaged in the oldest economy in the world: the household.”
Ann Crittenden writes this in her book “The Price of Motherhood.” We know this to be true, right? As much as we strive to take on other responsibilities and have a life outside the four walls of our homes, it’s my sense that many, many, many — maybe most — mothers still feel tied up in the household. I say “tied up” because I’d guess only one in a hundred women really likes the household stuff they deal with. Tell me if I’m wrong.
She continues: “Most people seriously underestimate how much of their lives contemporary American women spend on their children…. Recent research indicates, for example, that American mother — whether they work outside of the home or not– may be spending more time with their children than they did in the past. For whatever reason — biology, social conditioning, institutional inertia, choice or no other choice — children’s lives are still overwhelmingly shaped by women, and children are still the focus of most women’s lives.”
Now, I find this very interesting. There is an elemental bond between mother and child, as well there should be, and we just cannot shake our sense of responsibility for our little ones — even when it is about something we have little control over. I know for me, when my kids do something wrong, I always feel it’s a reflection on me.
Yes, we are defensive. We want to do well!
What I think is surprising is the bit about how we spend more time with our children, whether we work outside the home or not, than previous generations of mothers did. Hmmm. Don’t we all feel like we don’t really have enough time with our kids? Too much to do? Trying to convince ourselves that quality time is better than no time at all?
So if this is the case, women are spending MORE time with their kids, not less, I wonder what is suffering? Where is that time coming from? See where I’m heading? I think women of today mostly underestimate their own needs, and are much too willing to give of themselves, to sacrifice time alone, or doing what they want, in favor of children, husbands, bosses, even friends and co-workers. It all seems like an ok bargain, until you become middle aged and wonder what on earth happened to that cool, feisty, interesting, informed chick you used to be…
Tags: BUddha
January 8th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
It’s good to hear this research that as a society we’re spending more time, not less, with our children. This makes me feel a little less guilty about wanting to take a little time for myself. I wonder why as as society we feel guilty about taking time for ourselves as mothers. I do agree with the premise of this book… if we take care of ourselves, we ARE better equipt to take care of all those around us. We can’t possible take care of ourselves if we’re spending 24/7 with our kids. Then the question is what to DO with this time that’s going to be fufilling? Sometimes I think we spend all this time with our kids because we don’t know what to do with ourselves when we do get time away. I hope your book will help us in all these areas!
January 9th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
Everything you are saying in “Time Spent with our Children” I have felt before, MANY times. Striking the balance, without guilt, between us (mothers) and them (our precious children) is one of the most difficult things I have struggled with and continue to struggle with as a mother.
When you write about wondering “what happened to that cool, feisty, interesting, informed chick you used to be,” I think back to how I have belabored this subject with close friends and other mothers who I seem to “have it all.”
Although I am feeling a little more balanced now than I have in the past, by working part time with an organization I am passionate about and using babysitters and my time more wisely so I can take some time for myself, I still feel like the minute family and other commitments pile up, I, once again, put myself on the back burner and am overservicing my family. How can I keep the balance even when life piles up?
To your point and Sue’s above, it is clearly positive that we are spending more time with our children. I believe raising children right is one of the most important commitments we make when we decide to have them. But “having it all” while raising them seems virtually impossible.
I would welcome more wisdoms and pieces of advice from other mothers, through your website, newsletter and book, that might offer new perspectives, tips and inspiration on how to be a great AND person.
January 12th, 2007 at 10:39 am
Do you think we’d be happier if we didn’t have this mistaken idea that we could “have it all?” Seems to me, we are often disappointed by our pretty great lives because our expectations of ourselves (and our lifestyles, husbands, children, jobs)are so HIGH we can never really live up to them.
January 15th, 2007 at 6:34 pm
I was definitely brought up to think I could have it all. When I got married I had super high expectations. When I had kids I was going to be the best mother in the universe. First time I lost my temper, I cried because I was so disappointed in myself. It’s taken me about ten years to figure out that I was making my own life a misery by expecting everything to be so perfect. Who has read “Perfect Madness”? Every sentence of that book rang true to me. I read it and decided then and there I had to give up this crazy idea of always being perfect.
January 16th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
It is all so crazy, so you are right, choosing your priorities is really your only salvation. When I was pregnant with twins, someone said to me, your job is simply to keep them alive (fed, clean and safe!). If you have done this at the end of the day, you have succeeded. If you expect anything more of yourself, your setting yourself up for disappointment. 2 more children later, I found that if I bring my children along on my journey….doing things that I find important (community sevice)or things that I need to accomplish in a day (putting stamps on x-mas cards which I still have not done!), It not only makes it more fun but also the older ones can be very helpful. Do not make it an option but rather make it fun, challenging and rewarding. The weight of your household does not need to be all on your shoulders. We, as women, have been led to believe that it is! Thanks for keeping all of us grounded and really thinking about OUR direction.
January 16th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
I am glad to see research is showing we are spending more time than previous generations with our family. I feel that whether you are at home with your children or working, you can have that special time with each child if you try to be “in the moment with them.” If you are mindful of those little moments than quality time is available throughout the day not just at bedtime or at dinner. I try to schedule my time so that I can have that time to do flashcards, listen to a song, help help with homework. This is a team effort by the whole family though. I struggle with trying to always fit “my time in” however when my needs are met, I am a much better mother and wife. I always have believed that the tempo of the house beats to the mothers step. So a happy Mom is a happy house. It’s learning to communicate those needs and letting others help…. we do not need to do it all!
January 16th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Thanks to the wisdom of friends and lots of help from books like When Moms Happy, I finally came upon the realization that is isn’t quantity of time with your kids - it is quality of time with them. That was a very liberating realization for me. Now I can take the kids to Lookout Farm then to McDonalds…and go off guilt free to a Girls Getaway weekend!
January 16th, 2007 at 6:25 pm
I think what I’m hearing is that we spend time with the kids, but often at the expense of time for ourselves. And also, that if we set achievable goals for the time we DO spend on others, we are more likely to be satisfied and feel success.
It’s great to have high standards, but in parenting it can set us up for a mighty fall. I can only IMAGINE what life is like with twins — I think this probably teaches you quicker than anything else that you have to give yourself a break!
I love the idea of sharing the things you like doing with the kids, especially if it’s not possible to do those things alone. That way you’re teaching your kids to value what you also value. One of the chapters in our book talks about that — “The Two Way Street of Mothering.” They learn from us, but we also learn from them!
January 16th, 2007 at 8:32 pm
Laurie, you reminded me that I was a better mother than a wife. If I had to do it again, because I’m now divorced, my relationship with my husband would come first. I now believe that if a relationship between a husband and wife are full of TRUE love, everything else will fall into place…particularly with the kids.
January 17th, 2007 at 10:56 am
It is about balance, starting with our needs as women –which are many, but can’t be ignored! If we can be self-aware and realize that if we take care of this balance — The rest will fall into place.
January 17th, 2007 at 12:36 pm
It is refreshing to her women speak so frankly. When I first started staying home with my kids I was under the belief that all of my time was for them. It did not make me a happy mother or a good partner, I felt very put apoun. Through the help of friends who were willing to be honest I found there were other ways to approach creating a positive home enviornment. I do wish the information in this book was available to me then. It would not have spent so much time feeling guilty. As I have nutured my own interests and started back to school the reaction from my husband and children has been very positive. My daughter is happliy telling everyone she knows I am going school. I share this because I think for me giving myself up was not good for anyone in my family not just me.
January 17th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
My expectations about the perfect life were recalibrated when illness struck our eldest son. I now find it easier to focus on what is important in life and not to sweat the little stuff.
I applaud the efforts of these three authors. I would much rather have read a book to find useful tools and techniques on achieving balance as a mom rather than having the wake up call be an ill child. That being said, while you would think I enjoy each and every moment with my kids, I still have those days when I forget what is important. I would have to say those are farer and fewer between.
The end game for me now is well adjusted and healthy kids. Along the way, I find time for myself and my husband. If we aren’t strong as individuals or as a couple, it is hard to fight what life sends your way. I try to be realistic about the time I spend on “me things” and not go too overboard. If there is balance, I don’t feel guilty.
January 17th, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Yes, I think our generation of moms were trained to be perfectionists. Our parents only wanted the best for us but we can learn from them. When I got home from school, my dad use to ask me “Did you get straight A’s today? Were you the top scorer? Did they vote you as Homecoming Queen yet?” After working, overproving (made up word) myself and “trying” to manage career and family, my mom finally said, “why are you trying so hard to be perfect?” That simple line was my wake up call. Now when my kids get home from school, I ask them, “Did you make a new friend today? Did you help someone without expecting anything in return?” It’s become the family joke (my dad says I should send them to live with him before I ruin them). He thinks he’s very funny!
January 17th, 2007 at 8:31 pm
ahhh. so timely, this newsletter! i’ve reached a point in my mothering that i know i cannot keep on at this pace. as a working, single mom, i constantly feel that i am not giving my children enough-even while i am spending every moment not at work with them….nice to hear the stat about mothers spending more time than ever with their children. as i retrospect, i realize that i spend more time with my children than my stay at home mom did with me! it is a great relief, as i actively seek out more time for myself to know that i am heading in the direction of becoming a MORE loving, balanced and present mom. thanks, ladies.
January 29th, 2007 at 11:21 am
There is so much to say about this topic. How can you madly love and adore your baby yet hate your life? Especially when all of your dreams have come true? There is a way to the other side, however, where you love your family, job, and life everyday. It’s every mom’s own personal journey….